Five Powers Arthur Petrelli Doesn’t Have, But Should.

As of yet, we don’t have any real credence as to what Arthur’s power is, and because I don’t have any real idea to what it is either, I devised an excellent way to better hypothesize what his power may be.  After growing my hair out and donning a robe, I became the “Noah” of animal cage fighting.  Gathering five of each animal, I brought together sloths, pot bellied pigs, penguins, bunny rabbits, and minature horses.

With ducktape and a sharpie, I slapped theories on to every animal.  Using my bathtub as a ring, I put one of each animal in to the tub and waited for the victor to stand, well,  to stand victorious.  I repeated the process four more times.  Miraculously, a different species won each round, go figure.

Match 1 Winner: Miniature Horse-Never Defecate Theory

To prove the age old adage wrong, size doesn’t matter with this horse.  After whinnying his opponents to death, he kicked the hot water knob on, and subsequently drowned his opponents.  You may try to argue that the penguin should be able to swim, well, after the first match, lets just say I paid more care as to where I slapped the strip of ducktape on each animal.

As to the theory, well, Arthur would save a lot of money on toliet paper.  Plus, he would never have to worry about eating too many pork & beans before a three hour wedding.

Match 2 Winner: Penguin-Perfectly Fold Clothes Theory

Penguin went into the match with ferocity only the above picture can portray.  Yeah.  Needless to say, penguin managed to brutally eat all his opponents’ livers, letting them bleed to death slowly.

The power on the other hand would allow Arthur to live in domesticated bliss with the woman of his life, Angela.  Let’s be honest, we all know Angela kicked Arthur out of the house for being a slob, if only he could have folded his dress shirts, tear.

Match 3 Winner: Sloth-Flawlessly Floss Theory

Sloth used her brute strength and ripped the tiny legs off Minature Horse.  She quickly followed the delegging death of minature horse with the clubbing deaths of the remaining competitors.  It was a gruesome cycle, the way she attacked the furry critters, swinging her unnaturally long arms extended in length by minature horse legs.  After not watching the sickening process for what seems like minutes, I felt it was safe enough to open my eyes.  My eyes looked out and saw that Sloth had eaten everyone.   She was now flossing her teeth with dental floss, which was oddly symbolic of what was written on the ducktape.

If Arthur had the power to flawlessly floss, he wouldn’t have to worry about going to that job interview with greens stuck in his teeth.  He could also go on that date with that chick and not feel utterly useless in life when he gets dumped because he has steak all up in his teeth and tried to kiss her then he gots sprayed in the face with bear mace then he went to the hospital crying and lost his self respect.  Wow, I think that sentence could use a few commas, but it was important to get off my chest.

Match 4 Winner: Bunny Rabbit-Power to Waive ATM Fees

Bunny rabbit wriggled his cute ears.  The other critters exploded at the awesome display of sheer cuteness Bitches.

Now, the ability to waive atm fees, not a cute power to have, but essential none the less.  Postulate with me for a second, ok?  If Arthur has to buy twenty billion dollars worth of Pez despensers, he’ll have to go to the atm and withdraw all that cash, because I’m told that’s how it works.  Now, if he only has twenty billion dollars in his account, and he withdraws exactly twenty billion, he will still be charged a few dollars for atm fees.  Thus, his account is now overdrafted, and bunny rabbit will have to kill someone.

Match 5 Winner: Gary Coleman-Live Forever…………Stuck in Prepubescence Theory

In an unexpected, and very unfortunate series of events, Gary Coleman entered the bathroom after a night of many refusals and putdowns at the bar, and, urm, he grabbed Minature horse by the legs and<<<<<<<CENSORED>>>>>>>.

You might think being stuck in prepuberty would be a bad thing, but think of all the lollipops you would get at the drive-thru bank teller, or all the discounts for being young and stuff.  Arthur would be able to go to Chuck-E-Cheese and not have to worry about getting stuck in all those plastic tubes.  Great times.