Engee’s Xanadu #1: Touched by a Peter

Good evening everyone, and welcome to Engee’s Xanadu, a “Heroes” Pleasure Palace of Powerful Proportions, the Den of Sin, the Sultry Suite to Sexy Super-humans, a place where I can indulge in my twin passions of writing highbrow literature and writing lowbrow slash/fic. Okay, seriously, I don’t enjoy slash/fic (quit looking at me like that) except for the pure comedy of it. It might be the only form of fiction that consistently makes me laugh. And thus, I wish to impart my love (wink wink) to all of you. Enjoy… and please, don’t judge me.

***Author’s Note: I wrote this in the form of a script for three reasons: firstly, I think it’s funnier and gets to the point; secondly, it’s super-easy; and thirdly, I have this hope that somehow one of these will wind up in the hands of Tim Kring, and he will include it in the show. Even if I don’t get credit, I’ll know. And that’s all that matters.***

Setting: The Future

(Present Peter and Future Peter have arrived in a dingy alley way in FP’s time. Future Peter is about to lead Present Peter to the street, to show him the future that has been wrought by Present Peter and his companions. However, Present Peter stops him before they leave the alley)

Present Peter (sheepishly): Hey, Feter – get it, Future plus Peter… anyway, hold on a second. Can I ask you something?

Future Peter (in that stupid voice that he pulls sometimes, you know the one): What?! I’m trying to show you the future – it will blow your mind and potentially save the past, present, and future. At least I think that’s the point… who the fuck knows? Also, you call me Feter again and I’ll put you in Fat Parkman’s body.

PP: Well, I was wondering…

FP: Spit it out!

PP: Well, I’ve always wondered – I mean, it’s kind of been a fantasy of mine – I wanna –

FP: Do me. (Surprise on PP’s face) Remember, dude, I am you.

PP: Well, I mean, since you know, I would like to touch… myself?

FP: Yeah, I know, but seriously, I’m pretty sure even thinking about that is wrong. Not just on the health and sexual levels, but – I mean, I’m pretty sure it would cause a paradox in time.

PP: You’re already causing a paradox (real sexy like)… in my pants.

FP: Dude, that’s the gayest thing I’ve ever heard.

PP: But, I love you – me – us – whatever.

FP: Second gayest. The point is, I don’t think it’s a good idea.

PP: Look, man, I haven’t been with anyone since Caitlin.

FP: Simone, you mean. Caitlin doesn’t count… (we didn’t even touch nipple)… And don’t talk to me about “haven’t been with anyone in a while”… Simone was it for me, too.

PP: Then you know better than I do… also, that’s just sad.

FP: I’m busy being a super-terrorist, asshole. And, I mean, you’re Peter… your peter… and I’m Peter.

PP: So that’s it… we’re done?

FP: Absolutely… (sighing sweetly) not.

PP: Wait, before we… you know… I’ve got a question. How did I – do I – get that scar?

FP: You’re about to find out.

They love.

(Cue music, probably “I Touch Myself” by The Divinyls, but that may be a little obvious, we will probably just go with some Shenkar “YAAAAA-dums”. I decided to leave out the most explicit part of this work, as is my right as an artiste. However, if you would like to read this exclusive piece, feel free to e-mail me at drummondct123@gmail.com. Resume.)

PP: That was…

FP: Not nearly as good as you thought it would be.

PP: Yeah, I feel like I could have done that by myself in my bathroom at home.

FP [bummed(wink wink, again)]: Well, shit, I told you it had been awhile.

PP: No, that’s not it… its just… I’m not nearly as hot as I thought I was.

FP: No, I’d say you were pretty hot.

PP: Thanks, but –

FP: No, like, seriously, hot – radioactive hot. You still haven’t gotten control of your powers?!

PP (worried): Not completely, I guess. Oh God, am I gonna explode?!

FP: Wouldn’t be the first time today.

FIN

Thanks again for visiting Engee’s Xanadu. Be sure to join me next week, for perhaps another installment? That’s if I don’t get kicked off the podcast for this. Please comment – I know you will only have great things to say, but if not, I’ll probably just figure you are kidding. I’m not so good with criticism. Deuces.

N.G. Blog #2: Casting Call

Let it be known that this blog was not the one promised by N.G. during the podcast.  If you have issues with that, please comment on this blog and flame him for his lack of podcasting etiquette.  Thanks -Demi

Casting Call

Hi all, N.G. here, and this is my second blog: Casting Call. I realized the other day that when Heroes premiered, they had no real star to get them recognized. Don’t misunderstand me, I believe all (well, almost all) of the actors on Heroes are great, but none had any real star power pre-show. NBC basically relied on the white coach’s daughter from Remember the Titans, John Shaft in a bit role, and Greg Grunberg who was in a movie with the greatest actor of all time, Sir Kevin Bacon (the Sir was added by myself to show respect). So basically what we have in today’s blog is my fantasy Heroes cast. Because people care what I think, right?

Playing D.L. Hawkins… CHRIS TUCKER: This was the first choice I made in casting, and possibly the easiest. He would have brought a nice, light tone to such a dark character. Also, aside from phasing through objects, two sweet added powers would be high-pitched banshee wailing, and the ability to get confused for Chris Rock. Imagine D.L. screaming at Micah, “Micah, my man, Micah, Micah, AHHHH!, Do you understand the words coming out of my mouth?”. Priceless.

Playing Claire Bennett… BRITNEY SPEARS: She needs the money, stability, and attention a lot more than Hayden, and lets be honest: did you see Crossroads? Better than Schindler’s List. Mariah Carey was a close second for this one.

Playing Nathan Petrelli… ONE OF THE CAVEMEN: Yeah, from the Geico commercials and that new show on FOX. Duh.

Playing Micah Saunders… HALEY JOEL OSMENT or DAKOTA FANNING: Yes, I’m aware that Osment is, like, 40, and Fanning is a girl, but they are probably the greatest child actors ever, and, I mean, there actors, they could act like a young boy. And, they have acted alongside a plethora of great actors like Tom Cruise, Robert Duvall, Michael Caine, and others, which would make them perfect alongside…

Playing Gabriel “Sylar” Gray… GARY BUSEY: Who is your go-to guy when you need someone crazier than a shithouse rat? Who was in Black Sheep, Lethal Weapon, and Point Break? Who, if given the chance, might actually bust someone’s head open and look at their brains? That’s right: Busey. Just look at that crazy twinkle in his eye… a lot scary than Zachery “Mr. Spock” Quinto.

And finally,

Playing Peter Petrelli… Carson Daly: You guys know the whole situation in Darfur? Yeah, well take the inverse of that and multiply it by how awesome it would be to see Keira Knightley naked and then take that to the nth power and you still only have half the awesomeness that is Carson Daly.

Nuff said,

N.G.