Five Powers Arthur Petrelli Doesn’t Have, But Should.

As of yet, we don’t have any real credence as to what Arthur’s power is, and because I don’t have any real idea to what it is either, I devised an excellent way to better hypothesize what his power may be.  After growing my hair out and donning a robe, I became the “Noah” of animal cage fighting.  Gathering five of each animal, I brought together sloths, pot bellied pigs, penguins, bunny rabbits, and minature horses.

With ducktape and a sharpie, I slapped theories on to every animal.  Using my bathtub as a ring, I put one of each animal in to the tub and waited for the victor to stand, well,  to stand victorious.  I repeated the process four more times.  Miraculously, a different species won each round, go figure.

Match 1 Winner: Miniature Horse-Never Defecate Theory

To prove the age old adage wrong, size doesn’t matter with this horse.  After whinnying his opponents to death, he kicked the hot water knob on, and subsequently drowned his opponents.  You may try to argue that the penguin should be able to swim, well, after the first match, lets just say I paid more care as to where I slapped the strip of ducktape on each animal.

As to the theory, well, Arthur would save a lot of money on toliet paper.  Plus, he would never have to worry about eating too many pork & beans before a three hour wedding.

Match 2 Winner: Penguin-Perfectly Fold Clothes Theory

Penguin went into the match with ferocity only the above picture can portray.  Yeah.  Needless to say, penguin managed to brutally eat all his opponents’ livers, letting them bleed to death slowly.

The power on the other hand would allow Arthur to live in domesticated bliss with the woman of his life, Angela.  Let’s be honest, we all know Angela kicked Arthur out of the house for being a slob, if only he could have folded his dress shirts, tear.

Match 3 Winner: Sloth-Flawlessly Floss Theory

Sloth used her brute strength and ripped the tiny legs off Minature Horse.  She quickly followed the delegging death of minature horse with the clubbing deaths of the remaining competitors.  It was a gruesome cycle, the way she attacked the furry critters, swinging her unnaturally long arms extended in length by minature horse legs.  After not watching the sickening process for what seems like minutes, I felt it was safe enough to open my eyes.  My eyes looked out and saw that Sloth had eaten everyone.   She was now flossing her teeth with dental floss, which was oddly symbolic of what was written on the ducktape.

If Arthur had the power to flawlessly floss, he wouldn’t have to worry about going to that job interview with greens stuck in his teeth.  He could also go on that date with that chick and not feel utterly useless in life when he gets dumped because he has steak all up in his teeth and tried to kiss her then he gots sprayed in the face with bear mace then he went to the hospital crying and lost his self respect.  Wow, I think that sentence could use a few commas, but it was important to get off my chest.

Match 4 Winner: Bunny Rabbit-Power to Waive ATM Fees

Bunny rabbit wriggled his cute ears.  The other critters exploded at the awesome display of sheer cuteness Bitches.

Now, the ability to waive atm fees, not a cute power to have, but essential none the less.  Postulate with me for a second, ok?  If Arthur has to buy twenty billion dollars worth of Pez despensers, he’ll have to go to the atm and withdraw all that cash, because I’m told that’s how it works.  Now, if he only has twenty billion dollars in his account, and he withdraws exactly twenty billion, he will still be charged a few dollars for atm fees.  Thus, his account is now overdrafted, and bunny rabbit will have to kill someone.

Match 5 Winner: Gary Coleman-Live Forever…………Stuck in Prepubescence Theory

In an unexpected, and very unfortunate series of events, Gary Coleman entered the bathroom after a night of many refusals and putdowns at the bar, and, urm, he grabbed Minature horse by the legs and<<<<<<<CENSORED>>>>>>>.

You might think being stuck in prepuberty would be a bad thing, but think of all the lollipops you would get at the drive-thru bank teller, or all the discounts for being young and stuff.  Arthur would be able to go to Chuck-E-Cheese and not have to worry about getting stuck in all those plastic tubes.  Great times.

Woo’s Blog #2: What do cool future painters have in their Discman? Glad you asked…

As my favorite character on the show doesn’t technically have a name yet, let’s refer to Fat Parkman’s favorite future painter as “Rafiki”.

As we have all seen, Rafiki has a balln’ Discman that he constantly jams to. When “Park Man” is suffering from ED, or “extrasensory disorder”, Rafiki offers his Discman as an aphrodisiac to help “Park Man” thrust himself into the future. So what could possibly be playing in that Discman? After much thought and investigation, I have ruled out the millions of possible songs that it could be, and have chosen five songs as my top ten choices. Don’t do the math on that one.

Honorable Mention #1) Africa by Toto

This song was a given. I mean, they are in Africa, and I’m sure Rafiki is a continentalist. I am. Go North America! Suck on my pee pee Australia!

I shouldn’t forget to mention that Africa has some of the tightest lyrics earth has ever seen, or heard. Here’s a snippet:

Sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti / I seek to cure what’s deep inside, frightened of this thing that I’ve become

Deep. Real deep.

Honorable Mention #2) Chacarron Macarron by El Chombo

If you’re fluent in Spanish (I am not, however, Wikipedia is), you’ll know that chacarron macarron roughly translates into “party powder”. Need I say more?

Where I sang the good praises for Africa’s splendid lyrics, I praise Chacarron for its lack of lyrics. Primal gurgling always gets me in the mood, so I’m sure it helped “Park Man”.

Honorable Mention #3) Ebony & Ivory by Paul McCartney & Stevie Wonder

If you spend your entire life painting pictures of some fat, white guy’s life, you have to be a very accepting person. Nuff said.

Honorable Mention #4) My Humps as performed by Alanis Morissette

I think Rafiki is probably a humps kind of guy. (Damn, my commentating gets shorter and shorter as this post goes on…..I should end it now)

Rafiki’s Song is……………

Winner) In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida by Iron Butterfly

Why? Because I’m willing to bet these guys took plenty of stuff to see things in their heads, much like our friends Rafiki and “Park Man”.

Woo Blog #1: Allegory of the Washer/Dryer Combo

Welcome to Woo’s Smorgasblog, The Pot Luck of Blogs. Every week, my anti-genius will be regurgitating the weeks’ meals in an alphanumeric format so you can enjoy what I enjoyed. Yay for you, right? Yeah, yay for you.

This week I engineered a new allegory type thing. I call it the…………..

Allegory of the Washer/Dryer Combo

The liquid detergent flows from the bottle to the washer in a fluid motion. It mixes with water and the detergent fairies grow, so I throw my boxers and socks in there to get it magically scrubbed. When the detergent fairies use their fairy dust on my threads, it get clean and what not. I then throw my clothes into the dryer, so the dryer demons can use their hate and anger to torch my clothes. However, they run out of hate, so they don’t get to destroy my clothes-instead they just leave it nice and warm for me. This really burns them up on the inside, so they eat one of my socks to get back at me. Losing a sock doesn’t really bother me that much, but it tears up the sock’s partner who is forever doomed to the bottom of the sock/underwear drawer. That sock will never again get to travel the country again, see the sights and such. It will be left in the dark forever.

So you see, I’m the sock in the dark. The other sock isn’t important. The country is Heroes. I will never get so see Heroes, but it doesn’t really bother me that much anyway.

~Woo.